1. 2002: Pairs figure skating

Why are we even surprised that the snooty French asshats would be up to something like this? We knew for years that these stupid "sports" were crooked to the core, why do we even honour their existence? If anyone had bothered to track down the nature of these controversies, they'd find that they almost always invariably involve judging sports. Why the hell are they even here? Trampolining isn't a sport, it's a circus spectacle, like juggling or the trapeze or the guy who has three testicles.

Yeah, okay. Give us the medals now. After all this shit has to happen. Way to go, doooods. Expert damage control there. No one thinks our sport is a laughing stock now. No. We're the champions of integrity and sportsmanship. Thanks a fucking lot, assbeetles.

The odd thing about this one was the way the media handled it: so much pressure was placed on on the judges that they finally came out and admitted to collusion. That's never happened before. Judges never admit to any wrongdoing. You could firebomb their house and murder their family, they still won't admit a damn thing. Not even in boxing in 1988, where it was even more painfully obvious that fixing was in. Part of the reason had to do with the media doting on Canadian Jamie Sale, who is so unignorably cute they couldn't get enough of her. It almost brought the entire Games to a standstill, because people (and when I say people, I mean the media) stopped caring about the other events and decided to throw another impromptu press conference with David and Jaime. It was funny, because by the end both of them told everybody to get a life.

And then the unthinkable happened: the IOC actually got off its butt and fixed things. Why? For a greater sense of justice and fairness in the Games? Actually, no. They did it to put the matter behind them, and to quell the media circus surrounding the pair. The Games were barely half over. Other events--most notably, skiing--were complaining that the figure skating hype was completely and thoroughly stealing the spotlight. Newspapers forgot that bobsled existed. Speedskating was skating speedily to an empty venue. And hockey was quietly dismissed, except in Canada, because even though the figure skating scandal prominantly featured Canada front and centre, Canadians never forget about hockey. Ever.

Is this finally going to clean up the sport? Heh....no. Judges will just have to be sneakier next time. Because there's just too much politics in the Olympics. And politics is why thre's controversy, and hence this big-ass article.