I know what you're thinking: this is the most mismatched, umm, match, ever. And you're right. This is the Death Star versus Alderaan. This is the United States Army versus the Iraqi army. This is a great white shark versus a guppy. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger versus an enemy soldier with no audible speaking lines. This is Mr. Miyagi versus some young punk picking on Daniel Laruso. This is the New York Yankees versus Little League. To say that this is a no-contest battle is not even a gross exaggeration. Vegas will have odds on the sun being a giant flaming ball of gases before it has odds on something this skewed. That's how much of a cakewalk this deathmatch is.

"Mean" Gene Okerlund. "Pathetic" Paul Oakenfold. Both undisputed masters of their chosen profession. Okerlund is the greatest wrestling announcer of all time. King of the World Wrestling Federation Entertainment's inside scoop on all its guys who roll around in tights on mats with other sweaty guys in front of thousands in attendance and millions and millions watching worldwide.

Okerlund and the CAN-AM CONNECTION!!

Mean Gene is the man. Anyone who has to stand up to that many steroids for over thirty years without so much as flinching has to have balls of steel and nerves of balls which would also be made out of steel. Mean Gene powered his way through pro wrestling's "so bad its not even camp" years with a straight face! I can't watch a single wrestling match from the 80's without laughing hysterically, Mean Gene made it through the entire decade without so much as cracking a devilish smirk, as evidenced here in his interview spot with Tom Zink and Rick Martel, the CAN-AM CONNECTION!! (see, because one's from Canada, and one's from America, that's how they're the CAN-AM CONNECTION!! Like a couple of Mexican lucha libres, only using trailer parks instead of masks, to defend the world's longest unprotected border and the world tag-team title against foreigners like Iron Sheiks and Roddy Pipers and Nikolai Volkoffs). I mean, just look at Gene. Their mullets don't even faze him. What, does he have superpowers or something?

The Okerlund action figure that interviews your other wrestling action figures!

Okerlund is so prolific, he has his own industry now. A chain of restaurants called Mean Gene Burgers, featuring such menu items as the Sleeper Hold Salad with Narcolepsy Dressing, The Pile Driver Deluxe Sandwich (that is only 1/4" thick), and the popular morning entre Body Slam Breakfast, served with real genuine WWE in-your-face brow-beating. And don't worry: Mean Gene's not pussy enough to call his side dish "Freedom Fries". Owing to what wrestlers do in the ring, however, he might call them "Faggot Fries". But that would be pretty immature and juvenile, wouldn't it? Hehehehe...why am I laughing then? *sigh* I am so going to hell.

Mean Gene Burgers. Totally gonna put Angry Fred Chicken out of business.

There's also a Mean Gene action figure in his trademark tux, bowtie and deadpan stare that can slit open any wrestler's baudy pompous wit, and of course a Mean Gene sweatshop factory in southeast asia paying children pennies a day to make all this shit, and a Mean Gene Mean Djihn, that he keeps in a lamp under his bed and won't let out to play ever since that time Hogan found it and asked for immortality. That's right: Mean Gene is really responsible for Hulkamania, and if it wasn't for his constant coddling of the Hulkster during his "lean" years, we never would've had Santa With Muscles, regarded by many as the worst movie ever made....a movie so bad Mystery Science Theatre 3000 won't even touch it (unless they did). Yes, we owe much hilarity that has ensued in the faux-sport of professional wrestling to Mean Gene Okerlund. This is a man who truly has the midas touch. Whatever he encounters does something. Well, okay, so that's not the midas touch, but you can't argue that if Okerlund were to play a stack of trite, derivative trance anthems, would he be able to outperform Oakenfold?

Ha ha ha ha. That's such an astonishingly stupid question, I don't even think a funny metaphor is necessary. Okerlund's a better DJ than Oakenfold just by virtue that he's breathing.

Artificial Lighting helps Oakenfold look slightly competent

Ah, Oakenfold. Boy, where to start. Why is this guy even a DJ? If he keeps his arms up like that he's going to asphyxiate. If he wants to pretend that everybody thinks he's cool, that's alright with me. But I'm going to say here and now what those popular T-shirts have been saying for years: Oakenfold sucks. He sucks more than a vacuum cleaner being sucked up by an even more powerful vacuum cleaner at a blowjob convention held in a black hole. He sucks more than a slurpee fiend sucking back a lollipop into a jet intake and then pulled out a space shuttle airlock with a cargo of baby pacifiers. If he were a sprinter, he'd lose the race to a quadriplegic. If he were a firefighter, the people trapped inside the building would need to rescue him. If he were a superhero, he'd make fucking AQUAMAN look useful!!!

Crossed-arms helps Oakenfold look slightly sophisticated

Have I stressed the suckitude of Oakenfold enough? It is beyond measure how much this man sucks. Every day when I think he can't possibly suck more, he goes and does something even more suckworthy. Grade 8 highschool girls basketball games (where the scores are 18-16 nailbiters!!!) are closer to NBA calibre than Oakenfold is to being an actual DJ. I firmly believe that Oakenfold is the geographic centre of the universe of everything that sucks. Like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, all that is suckworthy is connected to Oakenfold, and branches out with him as the apex of a grand suck paradigm. He sucks. Like a hummingbird after nectar, he sucks. Like Robomaid on Druidia, he sucks. And blows. Like a water pump in a septic tank, he sucks. He sucks he sucks he sucks.

worms-eye view shots helps Oakenfold look slightly important

And his mixing! Don't even get me started. Oakenfold has trouble mixing a cake. He has trouble mixing something that was already pre-mixed by somebody else. He has trouble mixing a mix tape. That's pretty bad. That's beyond bad, that's downright embarrassing. His production skills aren't too up to par either. True story: about a year and a half ago Oakenfold was to appear in town on a much-hyped clubnight. But on the last day the night was cancelled as he couldn't make it. The reason why: he was in LA remixing something or other for Madonna. He was supposed to have everything done and leave the night before to make his club date, but Madonna took one listen of the "finished" track and declared it crap. So she sent Oakenfold back into the studio and told him not to come out until he produced something decent. Last I heard, he was still there. Ha ha ha. OMFG ROFFLE LEMAO!!!!!!1onetilde!! 04k3nf0ld M4d0Nn4 t0t411y 0wnz0r3d j00!!! kekekekekekeke!!!

So after so much hyperbolic deliberation, who would win?

I feel like his eyes are watching me no matter where I move. I am almost positive that he will jump out of the screen and eat me if I keep looking at him.

Hah. No contest. Okerlund by a landslide. He could win even if he didn't show up. In fact, any human could against Oakenfold.. So could any computer, and probably a couple of animals too. Maybe even some plants. They seem to respond to good music better than Oakenfold does, anyway.