These are actual letters sent in by actual readers of this site, with my actual comments attached--and I actuallydid not alter or edit them in any actual way whatsoever. Actually, I get decent emails every now and then. These are just the actual dumb ones.
From: Alfred Tang <tang105@home.com>
To: <me@ishkur.com>
Sent: Tuesday, May 01, 2001 12:26 AM
Subject: Guide to Electronic music
hey there well you really suck...the way you do your guide...makin fun of different music that uu dont' like
that shows how weak you are, you don't know the feeling between music, the truth about music, your a disgrace!
You brought up a valid point: I really don't know anything about "the feeling between music, the truth about music". So in an altruistic gesture of self-actualization I locked myself in a bare room with just a Roland TB-303, absorbing its wisdom over a period of many moons. When the fruits of my arduous meditation finally yielded true enlightenment, I witnessed the following sign, proving that I have finally found the truth about music:
YOU KNOW WHY YOU HATE PAUL OAKENFOLD CAUSE HES EVERYTHING YOUR NOT DONT GET
MAD AT HIM CAUSE HES FUCKING AWESOME AND YOUR A SAD PATHETIC LOSER BY THE WAY
THATS NOT A MULLET YOU FUCKIN MORON GET IT RIGHT YOU FUCKIN GOONBA
..........BYE FAGGGGGG P.S I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR NECK
Funny you should mention that. I got a call from Oakenfold this morning. He told me "Hey, can you tell Jeffhaak212 to shut the fuck up? He's making me look like a fuckin goonba."
I think what Oakenfold meant was that he's kinda worried people might start noticing the correlation between the bottom-feeding intelligence of AOLers and their sad devotion to him. I replied "Oakie, Everyone already knows your fans aren't very bright--it's not like its hidden knowledge or anything."
I like how you expertly utilized the average male teenager's standard issue homophobic insult as well. What are you, twelve? Way to go to stand up for your good buddy Oakenfold, faggot.
Since I also believe in giving credit where credit is due, I felt obligated
to tell you how fuckin' hysterical your site is. I might not agree with the
Oakenfold bashing... I might not agree with your stance on trance... And I
definitely dont agree with your electronic music genre list (but hey, someone
had to stop the pointless bickering, take a stand and give it a shot. And it
sure as hell wasnt me... hats off to you) Truthfully, I've never thought of
myself as a part of the "rave culture" (or whatever its called now), I was
always more of a clubgoer and just a diehard fan of electronic music in
general. Raves are fun for experiencing some new music and getting so wasted
you cant remember your buddy's name, much less where you parked... But
something started to bug me about the "rave scene". Everywhere I looked:
plastic jewelry, big pants, and 15 year old "ravers" so bent that it was
difficult to believe they were there for any other reason than pills. If I
had a quarter for every bugged out raver I've had to avert my eyes from, I
could start my own rave culture e-shop specializing in the sale of peppermint
scented phat pants and all other things plurry. Anyhow, as much as I hate
how commercial interests now have the music I love by the balls, its still a
riot to sit back and laugh at it all. Keep up the good work.
cheers
Sean
Yes, it's true: the scene has become an absurd parody of itself. I'm certainly glad you could alert me of this fact 3 years after I started writing about it.
"Do what you want, but think about the omen
A vision in your mind will lead your way
Go where you want, but don't forget the omen
A light at your side will show you where"
From:
To: <me@ishkur.com>
Sent: Friday, May 04, 2001 2:36 PM
Subject: one quick question
Checked out your music tree...I'm new at the electronic music thing so it was real helpful for me. I just have one question though. I could't help but notice that you really think that Oakenfold sucks, and I am curious to hear your explination why. I guess that's been the first thing that I have been introduced to, and I kinda like it. You know so much more about this than I ever will, so I just want to know your opnion on why its bad. Thanks for the cool site, you definitely turned me onto some music I wouldn't have heard otherwise.
Ladye Jane
Oakenfold is like the Brittney Spears of DJs. Watching him perform is like watching a fly trapped in a bottle repeatedly try to get out by ramming its head against the glass, or like watching a helmeted retard stumble his way out of the short yellow bus. You almost feel ashamed of laughing at him, especially when you realize that he's been doing this for 15 years.
no thats not a spelling mistake.....but yea id like to contribute.....and this is how i write too......sorta like captain...................kirk, huh...........yea......usually theres a lot less dots...................................but now my mind is dead cuz ive been studyin like whacked for my exams......and unlike pix e, i CAN spell.....and i HATE the stupid face thingys so none of that CRAP............what else.....i live in toronto, im a junglist, and unlike those half assed posers, i dont wear that cheap shitty army crap....cuz im a label whore....yea thats all i wear, label after label after label......snug fdco416...........kikwear....geek boutique........pornstar......ecko...all that incredibly overpriced shit......yea im a toronto boy, and i party relatively often......so i could be the "junglist" part of the site....next thing you know, youll have a techno head a trance head......and HOLY SHIT LOOKOUT....its the ukg know-it-all.....yea...thats about it...i work in a shithole excuse for an italian restaurant.....and the only reason i do, is cuz one of the guys that works there does security for some MAD toronto clubs so i get in free...yummmmmmm.....by the way, do you get some sort of discount@parties for having such a KICKASS site???<-------------shameless sucking up.....but this is essentially what my post would look like......a bunch of correctly spelled captain kirk talk.....the scary part is that how my mind really works.......oi vei
Hey look pal, if you want to be a contributor, you're going to have to learn how to spell contributor. And what I want from contributors is content, not Sketchy Sunday ramblings from walking billboards. If your magnum opus of literal genius is seriously writing like an etarded Captain Kirk with his dick stuck in Mr. Spock, then it's just about par with your life's greatest achievement of washing pasta stains off plates in faux-cosmopolitan middle-class Toronto restaurants.
The site is surprisingly informative and, you sound like a intelligent person who definitely experienced the whole thing, yet I don't understand if you are trying to expose the silly sides of the party scene and try to make it better, or plain out bashing it...
Either way, impressive work...
surge
Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, it's quite possible that that's what I wanted you to think?
your website is nothing but trailor trash, and for you to go out and bitch about the scene and other websites, thats a big FUCK YOU. But thanks man, ive gotten alot more hits thnaks to you, and the people who do visit my site love. it. Heres my response as well:
Oh wow. You said FUCK YOU. What an incredible, cohesive, air-tight argument. There's no possible way I can give a rebuttal now to that one. You're just too good at this english thing. It even shows on that masterful, content-filled website you created!!!
What a fantastic site!! Its usefulness to the scene is like a pee wee hockey player's usefulness to the NHL. The tragic part about this is the scene, being amoral, doesn't know the difference between quality and crap. Fortunately, I do. And I feel its my duty to prevent this scene from eroding away to the lowest common denominator, as you have just proven. Didn't you read my disclaimer?
How dare you put down Imblowinup.com....do you actually think your site is
better? I can't tell....So far Imblowinup.com has more much needed info for
the true ravers! Why don't you look at your own site before you decide to
put down a well respected site!!!!!!! I think you should open your mind a bit
before you decided to talk shit about some other site cause yours sucks fat
cock!!!
Sincerly,
Pissed off Kandee Kyd!!!
"much needed info for the true ravers!" I fucking love that. That should be my new tagline. Is it alright if I use it? I'll pay you royalties, of course.
You're site is SO unPLUR. Do you even know the meaning of R.E.S.P.C.E.T?
YOu are so mean to people, and derogatory, and... you're site is just lame.
How can you NOT like Paul Okenfoild - that guy is DA MAN!
Yeah, I know, YOur being sardonac, but that's just sux - people like u give
a bad name to our Scene - it is my way of life, my religion and I think you
should just GO AWAY!
heheh...
I spent at least 45 minutes on your site, and I *never* spend that much time
on a surfing mission... it's the best (non-event-info) rave site I've seen
and one of the better personal sites I've come across... I felt it was worth
thanking you.
SO, props to your opinions, props to the sardonicity, props to the time you
put into it - keep having fun; it's appreciated...
take care, or don't...
Chris
yaa yaa yaa! Oakenfold SUCKS!!
Settle down, Beavis. He was like, uhhhhhh...being sarcastic n stuff.
Whoaaaaa Nelly! Jesus, you almost had me there for a second. I was all like ready to go to town on you, going "yah yah yah Oakenfold sucks, heh eh heh heh" but then you revealed it was all a joke! I was even going to enlist the help of Beavis with me on this one! Thanx for ruining my fun, bastard.
I like your new site and what you have done but you have said some pretty
ignorant things and you pictures with the captions are pretty stupid. It
has to go man.
I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the ceremony where they were crowning you the King of what I can and can not do on my own website. And I'm also sorry about the time I came over to your house and pointed a gun to your head and demanded you surf on over to my site. And I'm also sorry that you took the time out of your all-important existence to send me an email thinking I would give a shit. You accomplish so much, after all. Your funny rave site is so much better than mine.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
(k) 2000-2006 Ishkur and the kickass artwork of Satoshi Urushihara
