The polls are in, and the people of the world have spoken: John Kerry must be the President of the United States. As outlined in newly ratified 28th Constitutional Ammendment, since most of the President's decisions affect people in other lands (often negatively), then it stands to reason that those people should be included in the electoral process, so that they may choose the new President who will then determine the course of their futures for them, often with explosions and invading liberating forces. Seen here is the electoral collage, with overwhelming support for John Kerry over the incumbent George W. Bush:

John Kerry literally swept through Europe, Asia and Africa, leaving only Israel (for obvious reasons), Poland (because Bush never forgets Poland), and Saudi Arabia (for reasons that are equal parts conspiratorical and classified) as the lone Bush supporters. On this side of the Atlantic, Bush favoured more considerably, picking up electoral votes in his home country of The United States of America, Alberta, and in the Southern Hemisphere, where he received strong support from Uruguay. Ha ha ha, U R GAY. Ha ha ha. But even those two seem like nothing more than novelty votes, as reported by CNN's Dogg Fritzer. "Alberta's just fundies and rednecks, so who cares what they think. And the rest are throwaway votes. Essentially the global sentiment towards America seems to suggest that the only country that wants George Bush to be President is America. Everyone else is deathly afraid of him."

Key battleground (literally) nations like Afghanistan and Iraq which were predicted to be close calls came away with overwhelming support for John Kerry, since George W. Bush can't seem to win a war without turning it into a quagmire.

As for the popular vote, an overwhelming 3.2 billion of the world's 3.9 billion eligible voters voted for Kerry. This only reinforced the notion spread around the world after the events of 9/11 that America is nothing more than the bully on the playgound who doesn't have any friends. "They don't have any friends," said Canada. "Because America treats other countries like shit. Even after September 11, when worldwide support and sympathy came flooding in, America still found a way to be a gluttonous asshole."

When asked if John Kerry would improve America's image abroad, Canada said "Not a whole lot. I mean, because...well, both of them are assholes. But Bush is stupid and an asshole, while Kerry is just an asshole. It's like choosing between a turd burger and a shit sandwich, only one doesn't smell so bad."

Kerry, answering from his home in The United States of America, had this to say: "I know the world wants me to be President. But the American people don't. Those god damn sons of bitches."

Bush, when reached for comment about the what the world thinks of him, remarked: "Why do you hate America so much?"