August, 2006
Star Wars: And a bunch of profanity-ladened observations on it; an edited form of a front-page blog rant I made. When you look at the entire saga as a whole, it doesn't even have the look and feel of taking part in the same universe, much less being a backdrop or continuation of the same story.

March, 2006
God is Losing His Touch: You know your deity has finally hit rock bottom when the most he can muster for a biblical marvel these days is a cheese-encrusted burnt mark at the bottom of a manicotti pasta dish. Is he fucking with us? Is he bored? Is he saving up his powers for the Rapture? Or are people fucking idiots?

November, 2004
AMERICA: The Music Video: Wow, since my cheeky Kerry article below got memed to all circles of hell and back, the polical wing of the internet took time out of their precious lives to call me everything from a terrorist, a socialist pinko commie faggot (or fag lover), unfunny, and even a twerp. But by far the one that hurt was calling me an America Hater. Hater? I don't hate America. I LOVE America. America rules. America is awesome. America kicks ass. America can do no wrong. Everyone else in the world should just, for now on, worship America and everything Americans like, because they are the bestest. And to show my patriotism for the greatest culture in the history of humankind, I made a Flash music video, co-starring The KLF.

November, 2004
KERRY WINS BY A LANDSLIDE: Since most of the President's decisions affect other nations the most, then it only stands to reason that they be permitted to take part in this clusterfuck of a democratic process. And you just know who they'd want to vote for.

October, 2004
Jon Stewart: In what became a landmark event in cable news television, Jon Stewart puts forth an eloquent argument about why CNN is ass and he should be elected President. He did what we all wish we could do: Call Tucker Carlson a dick on national TV.

October, 2004
Ashlee Simpson: I've had a longstanding theory that the pop music industry is always in a perpetual tug-of-war between real music and manufactured music...that is, music made by artists versus music made by corporate assembly lines. And the public's satisfaction for either of them wanes and waxes due to (or maybe because of, or in spite of) major events such as this one.

January, 2004
The 2004 list of words that must be destroyed: Yes, it's the annual listing of phrases, euphemisms and jargon that have oversaturated society and making it look more offensively lame than a whitebread soccer mom wagging her finger and saying "don't go there, girlfriend." Words more over and done with than Whaaazzzzzzuuuuup.

November, 2003
IT ALL TIES TOGETHER: Deconstructing the symbolism-for-symbolism's sake allusion-a-second deeper meanings behind cyberpunk's championship movie franchise, The Matrix. In all honesty, people: that shit ain't there so you can get some kind of special insight into it. It's there because they could conveniently put it there. Why not, after all?

August, 2003
Tattoos: Considering that most tattoos are impulse buys, it's not surprising that most people try to hide them or remove them when they grow up and start living in the real world. So before you get a tattoo that you will inevitably regret, read this article in order to make a more informed decision.

May, 2003
Marketing Memes: Using the hyper-referencing power of weblogging for commercial promotion: As people get more and more desensitised to advertising, those soulless little parasites society begrudgingly calls marketers forever seek for more and more ways to inject what they're selling into your consciousness. This one trails the trials and tribulations of chocolate milk, and why its manufacturer thinks that it's the most ExTrEmE DrInK EvAR, in the form of a lunatic bovine.

March, 2003
Movie Futures that didn't pan out: As Hollywood makes more and more predictions about the near future and as we eclipse those dates with no real alarming similarities between them, we are forced to sit and ask "Why? Why are we not ruled by a future hell full of inescapable technology controlled by super computers out to annihilate mankind led by a resistance of human-controlled giant robots that transform into bigger robots by now?" Well, here's why.

February, 2003
An open letter to Michael Jackson: After watching the highly-publicised tell-all interview with the King of Pop, I couldn't help but feel a sense of what I like to call "begrudgingly somber". Both for what Michael Jackson is, and for what Michael Jackson was. This article was unintentional: I wasn't thinking of writing anything about him at all until I was talking to a friend on MSN and kinda just went on a tirade. Eventually enough poured out to make an article. Funny where ideas come from.

September, 2002
Holmes vs. Mason: The ultimate battle of legal minds in the history of mankind, and the outcome might very well destroy life, the universe, and everything as we know it. What would happen if Sherlock Holmes and Perry Mason worked against each other on the same case?

June, 2002
Yoda: It's strange, but even though he's supposed to be younger in the prequels, the green muppet appears to be more senile with his nonsensical ramblings and mixed up sentence structure than ever. Though I suppose that when you live to be 800 years old, by that time it doesn't make a difference what you say; everyone will automatically regard it as wise and important in some way. Hence everyone stopping to pause and crowd around him whenever he said something, even if it didn't mean anything (which was too often the case). AROUND THE SURVIVORS A PERIMETER CREATE!!!

March, 2002
Indiana Jones: The greatest man who ever lived, on film. Indy's done it all (including but not exclusive to fighting Nazis), and this tribute page, marking a few of his more memorable travels throughout history, is my way of saying thanx.

March, 2002
Survivor Insurance: The older one gets, the less money they have. That shouldn't be the way things are. If anything, you should have more money to spend as you grow old, so you can live the dream life you've always dreamed of dreaming about. And now with Survivor Insurance, you can!

September, 2001
911: Everyone has put in their two cents. Here's mine....as tersely as I could possibly put it. I think the only positive that has come out of this is, at last, the final and collective realization that we have indeed fucked the world up far too much and for far too long to be complacent and comfortable in our lifestyle anymore. For now on, lavish standards of living are something we're going to have to fight for.

August, 2001
Cry Baby Cry: the new reality show that preys on innocent children and exploits their impressionable qualities for the fun and excitement of the television viewing audience. Guaranteed to be a hit, especially when we merchandise all the "kid whacker" weapons and the official "kid taunting" guidebook.