As you can see, getting a celtic tattoo makes you look badass. Just look on the manley bicep on this guy. It didn't look as manley before the tattoo. Tattoos are everywhere these days. And it's not just skin. You can tattoo your nails, your teeth, even your hair. I saw this one guy with a tattoo on his forearm of a forearm, and another tattoo on that forearm. The most amazing tattoo I ever saw was all over this guy's entire body of himself, but taller. They even got tattoos in 3D now, jettisoning out from your body. I saw this one chick with a 3D spit tattoo coming out of her mouth. It was awesome. And one day they're going to come out with invisible tattoos. Those are going to rock.

So what sort of losers get tattoos? All sorts of overcompensating fools. Like the insufferable morons with such one-dimensional, simple notions of what's "cool" that they will never ever change their minds in their entire lives. Ever. Or the loner, depressed types whose only sense of control is what they can exert on their own bodies (rebellious teenage girls, take note!). And of course there are always the people who desperately want to be different but don't actually want to put in the time and effort developing and cultivating that lifestyle. They want to look different but they don't want to be different. Just like everybody else.

Should you get a tattoo? What do I look like, your nagging best friend? How should I know what kind of hardcore rebel you think you're going to be once you get one? But before you do, here are some handy dandy things to consider:

• Tattoos are not alternative. They are about as mainstream as bellybutton piercings, metrosexuals and ironic trucker hats. Everyone has one or is going to have one. You are not being cool, edgy, or some unique individual by getting one. As a matter of fact, your decision to get one has likely to do with the fact that you enviously watched someone else get one. How unique or individualistic is that? If you want to stand out from the crowd, get a brain or follow a niche interest. I hear the 80s are popular but fortunately not as popular as tattoos.



• Tattoos are permanent. So before you leap for that mischievously grinning Calvin tat, think about how it's going to look in 6 months, and then in 60 years. Here's a test to see if you think a flavour-of-the-week tattoo design is cool enough to have for life: pick something you were really into about ten years ago (like that ninja turtle thing). Now, would you want a tattoo of that right now? ….see.



• Despite what you may have heard, getting a tattoo is not the most fun thing on the planet. Rather, the "Throw Tomatoes At Anything That Moves For 3 Hours" festival is.



• Black ink turns green over time. Yeah, eventually that barbed wire around your bicep will turn into a smeared, green cancerous-looking streak. Then you'll look really tough. Idiot.



• 
  This guy got a Texas tattoo to remind everyone that he's from Texas. You know, just in case they forgot or something. I'm sure everyone on the street comes up to him and asks "hey, are you from Texas?" All the Kanji in all the tattoo parlours in the entire world don't say anything meaningful. It's a huge East Asian joke-practically an industry-to see what kind of stupid and retarded characters westerners will graft into their skin. I was with an Asian friend of mine once, and we saw someone with two ideoglyphs on each arm. We asked what they meant. "Oh, this one means courage," he said. "And the other one says strength and honour." As if the tattoos would help him win a gladiatorial struggle or something. "Actually," my Asian friend spoke up, "this really says puppy leaves, and this one over here means frisky cloud."



• Make sure the tattoo is deep and meaningful, and special only to you. Something personal, that expresses an important individual decision you've made in your life, or resonates with your unique worldview. So for girls, this means you'll be getting a butterfly on the small of your back, and for guys aforementioned kanji glyphs on your ankle or upper arm. Remember that however deep and meaningful it may be to you, to others it's just a glorified conversation starter. Not that you should need a reminder of something deep and meaningful etched into your skin anyway. It's fucking deep and meaningful, you lunkhead. Why would you forget something that important?



• Getting a corporate logo tattoo means you have no soul. You might as well get a bargraph stamped on your forehead, you worthless serf. The only useful thing you'll ever contribute to humanity is your body when you die, recycled into fuel for the living.



• No matter how brave or bold or cool you act, all tattoo artists think you're the biggest loser ever. So don't even attempt to explain to them how to draw something that only exists in your head.

So there you have it. Plenty of good reasons to get an amazing and super tattoo. And when you get one, life just becomes so much easier. Especially if it's in plain site all the time. You'll be respected at job interviews, admired at funerals and weddings, and even awarded good seats at fancy restaurants. Your whole life will change for the better, doors will open and new opportunities will come your way, all because of the awe and power of your incredible tattoo. Everyone loves a winner, and nothing says "I am an interesting and important person" like getting ink injected under your skin.