It actually looks like a vagina. You've heard it all before, I'm sure. Church members see God in sanctuary's drywall. Jesus seen in sand dunes. Jesus seen in pasta dish. And of course the infamous Virgin Mary seen on underpass salt stain. But when a man sold a blurry oil stain on a sheet of metal which vaguely resembled the annointed one on ebay and, most popular of all, Golden Palace Casinos bought the idiotic Virgin Mary grilled-cheese sandwich for $28,000, all of a sudden this cottage cheese Mary industry of discovering religious iconography in clouds, sweat stains, and half-eaten bagels became extremely lucrative. And as soon as you can say cash cow, Jesus began showing up everywhere. Is this a miracle? Or is God really losing his touch? Because let's think about this for a second.

Remember one thing: This is God we're talking about here. GOD. He created EVERYTHING in six days! He was so good at it, that he didn't even need the seventh day. That, my friend, takes serious fucking skill.

I actually see Madonna. And then, after that, He reminds man every so often that He's the guy in charge. Because He's God, after all. He can do anything. He creates man. Wicked. He creates woman. From man's rib, for some reason. I don't get that part. He creates paradise. No sweat. He confuses the tongues of men. No problem. HE FLOODS THE ENTIRE FRICKEN WORLD and saves just enough animals and humans to repopulate the earth. Think about the logistics he had to go through to make all that happen. He didn't even use a computer, he did all the engineering and math in his head, telling Noah exactly how big to build the ark and how it will accomodate every animal. That is some serious mojo he's got going. It's not as impressive as the creation of the universe bit, but hey--he can only really do that once (that we know of).

And then what does he do? He destroys a couple cities (turning Lot's wife into a pillar of...salt? Why salt? I don't get it. Was that another one of your silly pranks, G?), sends plagues to Egypt, blows down the mighty walls of Jericho with just a horn, talks to people via the Ark, and all sorts of other kooky shit. At this point he's got angels to help him, but he's still the project manager of this whole shebang. Now, don't get me wrong: These are all still incredible feats of power and wizardry, but they're not as impressive as the flooding of the world thing. As a matter of fact, you kind of get the sense that at this point He's no longer capable of doing things on a global scale. It's like a band that lucked out with a one-hit-wonder, platinum-selling debut album, but each subsequent album gets worse and worse.

I don't see anything at all. What the hell are they looking at? The whole Chosen People thing, appearing as a burning bush, parting the Red Sea....well, okay, those things are a little special, but not great compared to his earlier work. The law of diminishing returns is definitely working against him at this point, and you get the sense that maybe it's time for him to retire, or do one grand finale and bow out of the world's activities graciously.

And lo and behold, he does! By impregnating Mary without even touching her (awesome trick, G!), He sends Jesus, who is the Man himself, in human form. And what does Jesus do? Heals the sick, cures the blind, walks on water, raises the dead, and then comes back to life himself! But.......oh come on, these are just parlour tricks compared to his earlier wrath-of-god stuff. David Copperfield does crap like this in Vegas on any given night. God is OMNIPOTENT! Why would he care about doing stupid little pet tricks like calming the seas, when earlier he flooded the entire world?! That's too easy for God. If He really wanted a following, why doesn't He just do the fire and brimstone thing anymore?

And so it goes, on down the ages. As time goes on, God's magical meddling in man's affairs gets less and less impressive. Man, I tell you: I just don't think He's got it anymore. He's lost his touch. He no longer has his powers (perhaps the Q Continuum kicked him out). He's so weak he can barely inscribe an image of Jesus on a folded napkin. My, how the mighty have fallen. At this point, I doubt God has the power to vacuum the house, much less flood the world again.

Because think about it: This is the guy who created EVERYTHING IN SIX DAYS, and He expects us to be wowed by these milquetoast junior grade magician tricks lately? Come on. Maybe He's just saving up for the apocalypse or Armageddon or the Rapture or something, you know, to show us He's still got that old magic, but seriously now: He doesn't have to. He's frickin' GOD. If God really wants to remind us that He's still around, don't you think He would do something truly awesome, like split a mountain or sink Australia to the bottom of the sea? What makes you, Leo Williams from California, so enlighteningly special to think that God would want to actually speak to you through a cheese-encrusted burnt mark at the bottom of a manicotti pasta dish?

Has God really lost his touch that He's resorted to foodstuffs to spread His message? Why doesn't the Pope ever see these things anyway, he being the most powerful man in Christendom? The way things are going, you almost think that God is a one-hit wonder. Sure, He's done some awe-inspiring things, but you just don't see that anymore. I conclude the following three things are going on with this mess:

1) God is bored
2) God doesn't care
3) God is fucking with us (yet again)

That third possibility might actually be plausible. After all, God has played some pretty cruel practical jokes. Remember the time He told Abraham to kill Isaac, and Abraham did so, and just when Isaac's head was on the chopping block and the axe was coming down, God comes out of nowhere and says "Ha ha! Just kidding. I was testing to see if you'd actually do it. You got punked, loser!" Oh! Good one, God! That was a fucking kneeslapper. Yes, killing my firstborn son. Ashton Kutcher has never punked anyone that bad. Hilarious. As likely as that may seem, there is, of course, a fourth possibility:

4) People are fucking idiots

The human quality of apophenia/pareidolia is working overdrive, in which case people aren't having religious experiences, they're mentally deranged, bored, or want to make some quick cash, and think detecting a vaguely familiar pattern in a tub ring or rust stain is the way to ebay profit.

Of course, there's always the old standby: If God is really behind all this, may he smi