Yes, it's time once again for something I've never done before: the annual roundup of words, euphemisms, catch phrases and trends that have permeated the social fabric of our collective consciousness, peppered with airtight reasoning why they must be destroyed, before you embarrass yourself any further. Away we go.

"bling-bling"
Whenever I hear this word, I wonder if african-americans* were Nintendo fanatics back in the 80s, since it's obvious that the word came from Super Mario Bros., when Mario punches a coin box from below and the coins come jumping out: do-do-do-do-do-doot dooot! do! … bling-bling-bling! But now it's an overused euphemism for any symptom of frivolous wealth, and whenever a word extends its meaning like that, you know it's time to die. Or whenever white suburban teenagers start using it (which is something of a law when it comes to slang).

"punk'd!"
or the Internet version: "pwned!!1"
Being an asshole has always been a suitable alternative to being legitimately cool, especially since the latter requires too much effort. This is a mating cry of one under the delusion that he's being hilarious and crazy, but truthfully he's just being a gigantic tool. Or rather he is being many tools, welded together to make up some sort of super tool. You know a word has outlived its usefulness when it becomes the flagship for baseless cultural programming on a music television show. It needs to die already. I'm waiting for the day when some chick gives Ashton Kutcher herpes: "Ha ha! You've just been punk'd!"

"metrosexual"
This bloody word is awful. It sounds like someone having sex with subway trains or something. But what made it truly offensive is the gross perversion and broadening of the word to include just about every man who doesn't fit the stereotypical knuckle-dragging, beer-guzzling, football-watching alpha male loser with his sensitive side squeezed inside his sphincter. Oh, because I care about my appearance automatically makes me a metrosexual? If I hear one more drugstore counter girl gushing about my metrosexuality because I bought a bottle of skin lotion, I'm going to do something outrageous and wacky. Hey, guess what: there already is a word for metrosexual. They're called fops.

"weapons of mass destruction"
Right now the most active and threatening weapon of mass destruction in the entire world is the United States of America, so knock it off with the political jargon pigeonholing the hysteria inducing WMDs as something only enemies have. Call them what they are: bombs, chemicals, and missiles. You don't call a gun a weapon of personal destruction, do you? Is a tank a weapon of better than average destruction? Is the Death Star a weapon of total destruction? I got into a fight the other day, and had to deploy my weapons of slightly less than moderate inconvenience at him.

netspeak
Look: if you really lack the attention span, the time, or the aptitude to express your thoughts in a coherent manner on an internet message forum, then what you have to say isn't worth saying at all. There's a reason why the ironic use of acronyms like "OMG WTF ROFFLE LEMAO !!!!1" over the past year have eclipsed the sincere use of them. Admitting your lousy keyboarding skills is no longer cool. Real English is the new hotness on the world wide web. Netspeak is for twelve year old girls and 45 year old FBI agents pretending to be twelve year old girls.

"knowhaddamsayin'?"
No, we don't know what you are saying. Please explain yourself. And stop using that annoying vocal inflection that has you rising your voice at the end of every sentence, as if you're longing for my approval to articulate yourself. I'm not here to validate your thoughts any more than tampons are meant to be finger food. I know it's kind of like the retarded leading the stupid, but try consulting the voices in your head for validation.

"pre-order"
When you order something, it means you will get it sometime later on. What the hell does pre-order mean? That you get to order something before you order it? That you order the availability of being able to order it at your leisure? Does it really matter so much to you that you need it before it exists? Hey, can I pre-order the flying car right now? Or reservations on the space hotel?

"don't go there."
This doesn't sound cool even when black people do it.

"terrific"
There are too many words that mean great. Fantastic. Excellent. Marvelous. Awesome. Incredible. Outstanding. Super. Stupendous. Superb. Spectacular. Splendid. Smashing. Sensational. Do we really need this many flowery words to describe something-cool happening? It's not like everyone pitches for their Thesaurus to properly express their extravagant enthusiasm when their country wins the World Cup of lawn bowling. Most of the time they just pump a fist and say "kickass!" It's time we get rid of some of these useless words. I nominate the redundantly redundant word terrific. Either that or doubleplusgood.

Why terrific? Because it's the word super white suburban soccer moms used to use. But now they're all trying to be hip using "bling bling" and "fo shizzle" anyway. So fuck 'em for being greedy and appropriating everyone elses catchy lingo. They have to lose a dork word.

"Bennifer"
And yet, somehow, when they aren't in the news, miraculously, life goes on.

"gaydar" (or gay themes in general, including gay-themed television shows)
Gay guys dressing up straight guys. Gay guys living with straight girls. Gay guys partnering up with fat, sassy black women for one-two combo hilarity-fests. Yet, despite all this willing media acceptance of the gay lifestyle, they still largely neglect the single most important characteristic that makes these gays actually gay: that they are butt pirates. Turd burglars. Pickle Puffers. Rump rangers. Ass blasters. Pole smokers. Donut punchers. Rear Loaders. Pile Pushers. Hound sniffers. In other words: fucking GAY. Not gay as in loveable, quirky and fun to have around the house, but gay as in "we like to stick our dinks in other guys bums". So until society becomes comfortable with the open imagery of two gay men making out on stage of a music awards show during primetime, mass acceptance of the alternative lifestyle is highly dubious at best, and exploitation at worst.

Also: I don't understand why society thinks that if you play Quake, you'll go kill your classmates, and if you see a Marlboros ad in a magazine you'll go smoke 2 packs a day, but if you watch Will & Grace you won't turn to your buddy and suck his dick?

"real world"
I'm sick of people claiming that other people's lives are not genuine because it's not set to their routines, standards and judgments. You spend too much time on the internet and not in the real world like I do. You're still in school, wait until you get out into the real world. Yeah, well, you're a trust-fund baby with wealthy parents, you don't even know what it's like to live in the real world. Working in a coal mine for 16 hours a day making minimum wage to feed five kids? Pshaw....that's not the real world. Obviously the real world is really about being an attractive 20-something living in a loft with a half dozen other attractive 20-somethings of varying ethnic backgrounds and racial differences and manufactured problems, and never having to work. Call me when you start living in the real world.

"so"
You are so not going to use this word anymore. It is so over. It is so done, so gone. So get yourself a new vocabulary crutch for exasperation already.

*"african-american"
This word is too damn long. Can't we just say chocolates?